French and Frosted Mint

Sunshine

2005-04-07T14:49:00.001-07:00

I wrote a long entry...and when I tried to publish it..the page couldn't appear, and I lost the whole thing. So here's a summary:
I love the sunshine, I have a sunburn that I'm really excited about. I'm going to Europe this month, leaving for BC on Monday, stopping in Saskatchewan, and Canmore. A week and a bit in BC and then off to Germany for 2 weeks and then me and Holly are travelling for 2 weeks and a bit. I'm excited. I love the weather. I can't wait for when I come back, and I can suntan almost everyday! I really hope I can have my job back..and the amazing hours that I'm getting now. I love the sunshine..did I mention that?

Can anybody
Find me
Somebody to
Love
-Queen

Sunshine

2005-04-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

I love the sunshine. What more could we ask for to brighten our spirits? I love it. April 6/05 start of the tanning season. That's right you heard me, I lay in the sun yesterday, AND today. It was gorgeous. I have a sunburn :D And I'm super excited about it! So in 4 days I leave for this lovely trip of mine. We're making our way to BC stopping in Saskatchewan to visit my cousins, and Kanmore? I think just for the night, and intend to be in Abbotsford by Wednesday evening. Then we have the rest of that week, and leave for Germany on the next Friday, April 21/05. Then we're in Germany for 2 weeks with the choir, and Holly and I are travelling together for 2 and a half weeks after that. I'm getting really excited. I still haven't packed anything! haha. There's stuff all over my floor, but the packing has not begun. I have this massive backpack that I'm borrowing from someone at work, I'm sure I'll have loads of extra room. It's so big. haha. so that's what's new..and what's going on the next month or so. I'm so pumped about the sunburn. I'm so excited to do something new.

Can anybody
Find me
Somebody to
Love
-Queen

I love snowboarding

2005-03-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

This was a crazy weekend....and week I suppose. My mom and dad and Luke were in Alberta, and I was home alone all week! Nice and quiet. Sometimes too quiet. But it was nice..cept now I have to clean up before they get home. Boo. But oh well. At least I can do it at my own pace. Plus my grandparents think they have to do everything for me, and that I can't do anything myself. It's frustrating. But anywhos. On Saturday I went Snowboarding with Joelle, Kevin, and Perry, and WOW was that a GOOD time!!! I switched from regular footing to goofy, so I had to learn again with the other foot, but it was so awesome, because I did better than I ever have regular, and it was my first time!!! I pretty much got the hang of it, which was too bad, because they're closing at the end of this week...so hopefully me and Sal can go on Wednesday night..cuz I really wanna go again. I am so excited about that :) So anyways. Then yesterday I went to visit one of my friends in the city, and we walked for like...2 and a half hours. It was crazy, so today I am sore from snowboarding..and the walking probably goes along with that, but it's all exercise, so it's a good kind of pain. Saturday I am getting new glasses, and I am excited about them :) I like new things. In like..2 weeks....I am going to BC, and then soon after that I'm going to EUROPE Oh my goodness, how crazy is that, and when I get back...it'll be SUMMER!!!!!!!!
I can't wait. I love summer. So anyways...I believe that is all I want to report today. ....Avante records is having a talent search..and I really want to go..but I'm going to bible school...and I don't think I am talented enough..but that is what I would most like to do. Now you know.

thank you!

2005-03-24T15:17:00.000-08:00

YES! I just wanted to see if anyone read this anymore..and for a while there, nobody commented, but then 3 of you did, so that was nice. Then I may continue to write in here. SO this has been a wierd month. Last week I went to a show in Steinbach..and that was super fun. I hadn't been to one in a long time, and it was so good. I knew Nathan, Laura, Evan, Gideon, Jody, Jonny Waldner, Candace, and I think that's about it..but I met some new people, and that was fun..I like meeting new people, and the show was really good as well. I got backed into on sunday..in the tim horton's parking lot. boo. The man was trying to get me not to go to autopac, annnnd I did. haha. Great times. I really like the song "Look what you've done" by Jet. It's good. I like. Yes. so...I'll update when there's more fun news....hooray.

If you can read this, you're too close

2005-03-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

Honk if you read this

warning lights

2005-03-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

So the funeral wasn't as scary as i thought it was going to be...except I couldn't look in the caskets....it's too wierd..to see my friends..without souls in them....so wierd. So I couldn't look. Someone told me that at the viewing, they signed their caskets, which is cool. So Holly and Phil went home, and we had a slow process home from Winnipeg, because we couldn't take the 75 because they closed it due to the HORRIBLE weather. So yes. and the way back consisted of me and Christina whipping around whenever we passed a car, to see if they would follow our example and turn on their warning lights. Good times. So it's just wierd to me that now everyone just moves on from the funeral...I guess that's what happens after funerals...you're supposed to try to move on...I can't imagine that's easy for the parents. Anyways. Sometimes I'm up sometimes I'm down, I just follow the waves...try to body surf through them. I can't wait til summer

snow patrol?

2005-03-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

One of my friends died on Sunday night...it's really wierd to think about...this is the closest person to me that's died..and we weren't actually that close...but we were friends...we hung out at camp..and I remember that when she'd see me, she'd always come put her arm around me and tell me to come for the rest of the summer, cuz she was going to miss me..and that one week when she was counselling by herself with that crazy cabin, and she, my sister, and my friend Alyssa always talked and prayed together during contact time...and we had so much fun, and it was good...she was so cool..such an amazing person. It really doesn't make sense. But it makes me afraid. I don't want to go before I've experienced everything. I want to be in love..get married...things like that...sometimes I'm so afraid I'm afraid to sleep. I hate it. I'm afraid to go to the funeral. Yup. That's about it...I like Snow Patrol...

cough

2005-02-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend I am sick. I went home from work 3 hours after I started, cuz I just couldn't keep going. It was probably hilarious. I slept for 5 hours, and I've been sleeping for alot the time, eating soup, watching tv...shower every now and then, and i have a horrible cough, I feel like all my insides are goign to come out when i cough..so that's not cool..it's not fun to be sick...I mean..in a way it is, cuz everyone feels sorry for you, and you get whatever you want, but it still isn't a good feeling. I'm house sitting right now, so it's nice to have a quiet place, where I can do whatever I want. I enjoy it. Not the sick part, the house part. Yes. So hopefully next week is better. Peace out

Valentines

2005-02-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

SO. For that lovely holiday we all love to love, umm I went to Sal's house, and Joelle Z and Cam also came, and we hate a bitter night! Cept we weren't outwardly bitter, we played disney trivia, and ordered pizza from Susie B's, and got a free cherry pie pizza in the shape of a heart! Twas good. Then we watched tv, and played Milles Bornes. Good game, and we laughed lots, cuz me and my friends are fun. I love my friends. Even though we have our ups and downs, we are still so fun, and we make me laugh, and i love it :) hooray...or is it hurray? HURRY? haha. Okay. So great. Les is home and that is happy. I hope things start to get better, because it's about time.

BC

2005-02-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Soooo back from BC today. Sad. I loved it. the weather was beautiful when I left, the sun was shining, and it was great. But I had a great time with Holly, going to classes, shopping, meeting new people, watching movies, I learned to sew..not like I didn't know how before, just started sewing I guess you could say..all by hand, so that takes a while, but the shirt I'm making is going to look wicked awesome when I'm done! wahoo. So i almost have plans for everday the rest of the week :S cept I dont' start work this week until Wednesday, so that's a really nice break from that. It was a very nice break from the ordinary, and I wish I could've stayed longer. But oh well. Can't have everything can we? But I LOVED it. there's really no other words for it, seeing as how love is a very strong word, and i feel very strongly about it. Great haah. Bag salad. I love everyone. And I feel very strongly about that too.

I LOVE the OC

2005-01-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

I love the OC. It is my most favorite show ever. Holly got it for Christmas, and since she brought it back to BC with her, I realized that I needed it, so I went out and bought it for myself..because it's my first favorite show ever..and I wanted to have it. haha. So I've gone snowboard once this winter..already have plans to go two more times! YES! I just love it. Plus Joelle K is going to sell me her board for $180 which is amazing, and her boyfriend is trying to find me bindings and boots for cheap on the internet. So Jody is leaving, and that's sad. I don't want her to go. But since she is leaving I asked if I could have her shifts, like...all day shifts instead of this..every other week business. I realize I would NEVER sleep in..but it might just be worth it to have every evening freeee! woot. So tomorrow we're going snowboarding, I'm excited. I have Monday and Tuesday off...and I'm excited about that as well. Great. So tha'ts a bit of an update for now. Good times.

Little Squash Bob

2004-12-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

while i was cleaning my room today, I found this poem that me and my friend Amber wrote in grade 9! Enjoy :)

Little Squash Bob
Had a cow named Rob
Right in the middle of his pool.

It floated and it swam
and it ate apple jam
And it played with it's little yellow spool.

Now little squash Bob
had a very nice job
in a candy store
near by.

He gave and he took
their money with a hook
that he hung on the moon in the sky.

He never stole a penny
though he always thought of many
things he could buy with the money.

He could buy Rob a boat
that would sink and would float.
He could buy him a duck that was funny.

One day someone asked
why he never took the cash
and he said with a grin and a wave

"I've got all that I need
with my cow, who's my steed
and besides! There is treasure in my cave."

"what cave?" they all said
and with that he went to bed
with a smile he plotted mysteriously.

"There is no cave."
He said and he gave
a laugh most very horribly.

"There is no treasure,
no matter what the weather.
They all have been very misled." (hahaha)

And he kept his secret 'til he died.

By Heidi and Amber

Battle of the Bands

2004-12-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

Last night was battle of the bands, and I ended up singing, playing keyboard, and yes, drumming for 2 songs. It was fun..that bands were really good, and it made me miss going to shows. They are so fun. Plus got to see some people I hadn't seen in a while, had a nice talk with someone in particular. Oh it was so fun. I miss it. So I went to Grand Forks this weekend, and it was so good. Bought some stuff..presents..stuff for me...went swimming..sat in a hot tub...watched tv...relaxed..it was nice. So besides that..I'll leave you with the chorus of this Relient K song.

And you said I know this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, The end will justify
the pain it took to get us there

And so it goes

2004-12-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out....I can't even see the screen...How can you give up something that is everything that you want..and you want it so bad...but it's just not attainable...and there's nothing you can do about it...because you have no control over what happens....and it's just too hard to give up but how can you get over it when you've found it! But everyone discourages you...excpet one person...but when there's a thousand other voices telling you to move on...that one voice doesn't come through very loud...but nobody gets it. Nobody is in my head...knowing what I know...feeling how I feel. Don't worry. I will get over this.. it's probably just a phase...although...it's been a phase for a while now hey? But what I mean is..I will be happy tomorrow...it's just right now that's how I feel at the moment...don't worry about me. I will be alright.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

Billy Joel

C'mon let's fall in love

2004-12-01T17:04:00.000-08:00

I'm confused...but when am I not really? I always confuse myself in my little head of mine...insane. So I don't understand how people can be dating someone for 10 and a half months...they break up with you...and then the next week...you're already going after another guy!!!! Like...I dated him for 5 and a half months....and I still am not over him!! Think about other guys?? what's that?! I'm talking about a girl at work...and one of her friends said that after a break up you just need a make-out guy to get over your boyfriend with...and i really don't understand how someone could do that! It just doesn't make sense to me...plus it's really hard to let someone go when they are everything that you want...or you know that they still will be in the future..or that they will be even more what you want in the future....it's rough. Onward ho. So I sliced off some of my skin yesterday at work...it didn't want to stop bleeding...i only just took the bandaid of now...it looks like an overgrown lump that shouldn't be there..and it's all bloody around the edges...sorrry for you who have weak stomachs...you'll live. hehe. Umm, but yeah. that was great fun. I didn't have to work for like...45 minutes! It was wonderful. haha. jk. It's almost Christmas...I love Christmas lights..i love how the sky turns pink when it's winter, cuz the reflection from the snow....and how it softly snows...it's kissing snow...I told Brenda that at work today, and she laughed at me...but it is...not when it's snowing heavily..just when it's soft...Christmas lights make me want to be in love...especially how they look on my driveway...they're gorgeous....I can't explain it..you'd probalby only understand if you were in my head...it's okay...usually I'm the only one who understands me..cept Jesus..He understands everything. I always forget. Sad. Anyways. I'm a busy girl, got no time for nothing.

Bag Salad

I'm in charge...be afraid!

2004-11-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today was a new experience. My boss called me an hour before I had to work, and asks if I will supervise the evening shift, because the supervisor for the evening shift has called in sick. So, me having never been a supervisor in my entire life, is like...sure! And he said that he wouldn't ask me to do it if he didn't think I could do it. So I went there, learned how to change the tills, got some keys, and there ya go. So it was a good night. One girl who was supposed to be doing storefront kept standing around talking, and doing nothing, and that bothered me, but I was deck brushing at the time, and didn't know, but one girl Dana made her go do storefront. Haha. So everything else was going pretty good, until I locked the keys into the office. Way to go. Then I have NO choice but to call Jeff (my boss) and tell him that I have locked the keys into the office, and he has to come and bring them to me. But apparently everyone does it, adn it happens all the time, so it's okay. So that was my crazy day. I feel very independant. I'm proud of myself. So I need a snowboard... well don't need, but want very badly, because me and my friends are going snowboarding this winter, and to snowboard, I'd like to have one! Side note* this girl from work..invited me to go to her house and watch a movie with her next week!!! crazy! But she's fun! I think I will....but still...this new friend thing is crazy! Don't worry girls...she's like...22...and married....so it's not like I'm ditching you! hehe.* great. Well, I'm off to...something else. I just wanted to express my new experience.

Please drive up....and SHAKE WHAT YO MOMMA GAVE YOU!

Whip it good

2004-11-22T23:07:00.000-08:00

VERDANA. So I don't get why everyone is an irresistable woman (who) hates the world....but I know that I can't be one, cuz I'm not irresistable that's for sure...like..think about it! can you resist me? OF COURSE YOu can. So there you have it. This weekend was quite fun, rather good time, love the pictures..haha. well today I woke up, and was in rather of the mood the I found to be outside later on in the day...which was gloomy and raining. So I got up...ate buttery cheese noodles (macaroni and cheese for those of you who didn't grow up in my house) and then I believe I did some errands, cleaned my room, or attempted :P and went to the hut to find the song order for youth tonight...and ended up helping rearrange the youth room. It looks better. I like. umm, and then I went home, ate supper, and went back to the hut for youth band practice, and youth was rather good tonight...the kids listened, the worship was really good, but I just love singing, so maybe that helps a lot. I'm really tired, and I was going to make this a deep entry, but I'm just too tired. Let's just say that I still miss someone, and I can't help it. And I was sad today, and last night. And it sucks that we're not really close friends right now. I dont' like it. Not at all. So yes. That's my unexpanded version. but I'm going to bed.

Guess how? Chicken cow!!!

Happy Birthday to me.

2004-11-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

WEll well well. Another birthday has come and gone. So I woke up...went to Grandma's for lunch...bought Sal a small present, and went to work...from 2-10. What a great day. So I'm driving home thinking to myself "wow this has been such a crappy day. I woke up, ate lunch and went to work...it wasn't special at ALL! This is my 18th birhtday..which only comes once in a LIFETIME...and NOTHING special happened!!! NOTHING!" so I get inside, and my mom tells me that I'm supposed to talk to Joelle on MSN because her mom is on the phone, cuz Joelle had asked me if I wanted to hang out after work, so I go downstairs, and a bunch of my friends are sitting in teh basement and yell SURPRISE! when I came downstairs!!! Let me tell you, I was very surprised. It was a very nice surprise. You should've seeen me...well...some of you reading this did...so..yeah. haha. Umm that was really nice, turns out my mom called people THAT afternoon, so I'm really surprised that people could even come. So the next day Sal picked me up at 10, and we drove to the city, went to Old Navy and shopped..then we ate lunch at the food court, and went to visit LEs and Jon. WE went to value village..where I got this cool grey biker jacket thing...and then we went to Kelsey's for supper, and me and Selina got chocolate cake with a sparkler on it, and it was grood. Then we went to see Vera Drake at the Globe Theatre. it was interesting, adn I really loved ETHEL. haha. SO then we drove to the Parliament buildings where we took pictures..cuz Les and JOn had their cameras along..it was cool. ummm then all of a sudden we noticed taht there were lots of sirens ...and we were walking down by the water, which is lots of ice right now, and we noticed that there were tons of cop cars and ambulances on the bridge, and then we heard someone yell "Do it" but we didn't hear anything after that, we just wondered if someone was about to jump off...and so we just kinda sat there and watched from where we were...and we walked down the path to get a little closer, and there were people in the water in a dingy..looking for something in the water...and me and Sal wanted to go, cuz I didn't want to see it if they found something...so we may have witnessed a suicide...happy birthday hey sal? yes..so that was interesting. The day was okay tho. It was nice not to have to work. I'm excited for this weekend..it should be good...yup. that was my birthday in a nut shell. Next weekend is still celebrating that...so hopefully that will be good too.. Great.

I love

2004-11-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

I hate how moods can fluctuate so much. I hate that half my friends are still in highschool...and that people that I care about...cuz I don't want our lives to go in different directions, and it's so wierd, because we all went through what they're going through now...last year. But it's sooo wierd that they're all goign through it again...they're in a different world. I hate it. I miss Banff, and Spring romances...and cmyc, and everything I used to feel..I hate that I can't listen to Elton John anymore....I hate how some days I'm good, but other days I'm terrible...and nobody knows, because I just don't tell anyone, because I'm like..whatever..it'll be okay after a while..and then it is..but after a while, it's not again. I don't like it. I don't like that I don't know what I'm goign to be doing next year. I wish someone loved me...and yes, I do mean one person in specific. I hate that he too is in the other world. And doesn't think about me anymore. It's a sad thought that I try not to think. I dunno. I think the music I'm listening to right now doesn't help either...and that one of my friends is crying...that doesn't help. Today at junior youth, Rob gave his testimony..and he was saying how God loves no matter what...and I was like..you know what? I think I am very much like that...I give everyone the benefit of a doubt...I refuse to let myself be disappointed with someone until they've let me down enough to know that I can't help it ...and I truly love people..no matter what...in my perspective anyways..and so I understand a little better how God feels when people let Him down..because we let him down ALL the time..and I know how I feel when people let me down...so..it probalby hurts him a million times worse than it hurts me, and that's gotta suck, because it hurts me an awful lot. Anyways. I'm goign to sleep. Cuz I'm tired. But I don't have to work tomroorw, so that's happy news. Maybe I'll paint...but i have nothing to paint on. So that might be difficult. I bought dishes today. My grandma told me to pick some out for my brithday and christmas. so i did. They're cool. i like.

I love.

Let's pack up and move to California

2004-10-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

if only. Well, it's been a long time. I don't think very much has happened since. I work all the time still; had to quit my job at the superstore, because I couldn't get my hours changed. I'm really disappointed about that, because I went there the other day, and I think I really would've liked working there. Plus it's hugely massive, and I don't feel like I'm in Winkler when I go there. Anyways. Yesterday was a nice change from the norm that is so far surrounding my life. Me and Joelle K went to the city to visit a friend of ours. He brought us to this little coffee shop at the exchange called The Fyxx, it was really cool. and then we went to the Forks, adn just walked around..and it was really pretty..I loved it. So then Kevin came and met us, cuz Joelle was gonna stay there for night, but then I ended up staying the night too, because it was foggy, and otherwise I'd have to drive home alone. So that was really fun too :) We went to sev and I bought lasagna pasta...haha it was good and then we just watched tv and me and Joelle slept in Kevin's room..and I had to wear one of Kevin's shirts..cuz I didn't bring any night stuff along, cuz I wasn't aware I was staying the night..haha and then me and Joelle woke up just us in their house in the morning..it was actually really nice. I felt really independant, and it was a really nice feeling. As for how I'm doing..I really am not sure. everything is just go go go right now, I don't really have time to think about it. but I bought some paints, and I'm really excited about starting to paint :) I can't wait! Anwyays. I'm so tired. and going to bed.

Never stop loving the ones you love...and the ones you don't. Love like you've never loved before.

what now?

2004-10-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

I hate that life seems to only be good when you have something to look forward to. This weekend we had cmyc to look forward to...and now that it's over...there's nothing else to look forward to. It's back to the same old same old. Working, youth, choir..working, youth, choir..and hopefully time for my friends in between...I guess I'll look forward to my birthday..cuz we have stuff planned..and that'll be fun...but that's only one day...and after that then what??? I hate it!! It's a really depressing feeling! and I don't like it!!!!!! I hate wishing things could be the way they used to be, because that's just living in the past, and we can't do that forever....but it's just....I just hate not knowing where my life is going! Cuz people who have boyfriends...they have the possibility of them getting married..so they have that to look forward to...I mean...I have that to look forward to, but it's not as easy when you don't have a boyfriend, obviously. So that's how I feel right now..these feelings will probably pass, and I won't feel so depressed, but that's just how i feeel at this moment. But..as usual, I have to go to work. buiii

Nothingness

2004-10-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

I love to sing...I love music...I'm so glad I'm in a choir...so I can sing. I wish we could still be in cmyc...I love it. I loved it. It was good times. It's been nice to be able to hear them though. And make friends with some of the people in it..and learn that everyone is scared of everyone else! haha. I'm just intimidated really easily. Today I worked with this girl that I went to Sunday School with...but she doesn't recognize me, and she said she wanted to do something after work, but we don't have alcohol in this little town...and I was like...nope we don't....and then I said...you could go to morden...why did I say that? that was dumb. haha. But anyways...she was on drive -thru..and I was like..why is she on drive thru when this is her third day actually being here...and I've been here for more than a month..and there were 2 other new people on Store front with me..and one of them was Chris from Midriff Exposure...and he's an insane dork, and complains about work..and is just and interesting person in general. But then at like....7:30ish..Tenyille..or however you spell ..Yeo from morden who is the supervisor...came and brought me a head set cuz the girl was not very good, and I needed to go save the day, so I went and saved the day mwahah. Good times. I don't knwo what else to say..I'm too tired..and I can't think with my dad watching tv right beside me...well..the tv is right beside me, and it's loud...so i"m gonna go to bed. Nighty night. Don't let the bed bugs bite

Give Thanksing

2004-10-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Some things are harder than you expect. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days I think too much, other days I think I don't think enough....HA. That's a bunch of balogna. I always think too much. But...I wonder...if you know that there's something that you want...but you can't have it right now...but you know what it could be in the future..and you desire that more than ever..and you know that it would be amazing...but it's not there yet..and you don't know when it would be there...but you know that when it's there...that would be the thing you want the most...and it would be worth waiting for...but only if everything went according to plan..which is where your plan is lost. Because we can't plan things. We can try so hard to make everything come out the way we wish it would, but then God goes...uh uh sista gurl fren, that ain't what I got in mind for you ya hear? ( I know, what if God's white...hahaaha) Yah, that's what's been on my mind today..unfortuanately, when you know you gotta spend the whole day with your family....you get kinda bored..and in a depressed kind of mindset...and then I think too much. So the best thing to do would be to not think. And try to be joyful about what you got, but it's tough. I'm not saying it isn't, because it is. Today at my family gathering, my grandpa asked us all what we were thankful for in this past year....and when I look back at this past year...it was the best year ever...and the worst year ever.....and all because of one thing. When he asked me, I said I was thankful for graduating..that's the only thing I could think of, cuz we were supposed to kind of go beyond the "I'm thankful for my friends and family" which I am, but that's not what he was getting at. There are so many things we have to be thankful for, but we just don't think about them..because our minds kind of centralize on one thing that is bothering us and is in the way of us being happy....it's hard to focus on small things that we have rather than big things that we don't have. Yah, that's my deepness for tonight. Hope everyone had a good day. I went on a two hour hike in the Pembina Hills :S great fun.

Happy Thanksgiving

Broken Dreams

2004-10-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like giving up would be such an easy thing to do, but it's really not...and not matter how much you really want to, you just can't. I guess though, there are probably things that would make you feel like it's easier... like..if someone you cared about a lot.. acted like you were barely friends...like today..when I went to youth to bring something for my brother..I went and talked to him about hanging out this friday, and he's like ..yah for sure, and then he kinda turned to someone else..and pretty much left me standing there feeling like a loser...I mean..come on! It's not like I'm an alien from another planet..so that made me feel really stupid, so I just turned around and left. There's something about making people feel stupid that makes me feel really really angry...although I'm not angry at him..but I guess I'm disappointed, because I figured he'd make a little more effort than that, but it's the kind of feeling where it's like..fine. If you're not going to try, why should I waste my time trying? But it's also the kind of thing where unfortuanately you really can't stop trying..even if you wanted to. I really want to paint...I think it would help to express all the emotions I feel right now... I really want to sing..and I do get to sometimes, but it never lasts as long as I wish it would...I really want to feel cared for.. but I know that I have to learn to care about myself again before that can happen...but that needs to be built up, because I've been torn down by the huge hurt that errupted my life...strange how one person can have such a huge impact on another person's life..I feel like I don't even know how to be myself anymore...because from being rejected..I feel like I'm not good enough..like there's something wrong...it makes me want to act differently..but I don't know how, because I'm measuring myself through another person's eyes, which I know is not the way it should be.

We cannot grow until we accept that it takes time..that it's in the Father's hands, that we can't control when, why, or how we will grow..and begin to accept ourselves for who He's made us...not who other people percieve us to be, or by what we think would be pleasing to someone else.

Cuz I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I've been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes

Hold on, cuz it'll be alright

You're not alone anymore

Thinking Over

2004-10-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

I hate. I hate feeling hurt. I hate crying at night. I hate that right now I want to cry....but I know that I shouldn't, because it will bring back all the hurt i'm trying to avoid right now!!!!! So..what I'm talking about, everybody already knows. So I'm still not over it...and I'm only just in the process of trying something new to get over it...so, from the that this tragedy occurred...haha tragedy.. well from then on...I think i probably cried myself to sleep 2 or 3 nights out of 5....which sucks. I thought about it all the time...and hated every second. It hurt even more every time I saw him. Unfortuanately, what was supposed to be a fun trip to CMYC SNL was fun...but it had it's hard parts too. Cuz there was this girl Katherine....who turns out to be this amazing singer...and probably a really cool person...was hanging around with Evan a lot..and I guess, to me who overanalyzes everything, it seemed like they were being really flirty..and when she sang her song at SNL then he was smiling at her...and it was a sad moment. I almost cried. I almost left...I cried on teh way home..and cried myself to sleep that night..and the next day I almost cried at work..I cried when I got home from work, and I couldn't stop, so I called Rob Haslam...and asked if I could go there and talk to them..cuz they've been really good with talking about these kinds of things...and they show me different angles that I'm not able to see myself...and so he said I could go there in the later evening, so then I went there later...after me and Sal had watched "super size me" haha YUCK! haha. Umm and well, I explained to Rob that I am probably no less over it than I was teh day it happened...and I still cry all teh time, and think about it all the time...and he said that I needed to think about it..as something that I gained...and learned from..rather than what I lost... and he said...that this situation was kind of like a close to a season in my life...cuz from highschool to whatever we're in now...it's different, obviously..and I need to stop thinking about things we did together, and about how I wish things were still like that...cuz they aren't goign to be any time soon...and so, I'm supposed to distract myself, and try not to think about it...and try not to think about it in a negative way. So that's what I'm attempting to do. Doesn't help that i asked Laura if him and Katherine hung out lots at cmyc...and she said yes...........probably shouldn't have asked her..but I couldn't help it. So...I guess I just opened myself up. There could've been more..but I'm tired...and I'm not supposed to be thinking about this. I want to paint

Beware of the Truth

2004-10-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Strange how people can decide your moods...well, have an impact on them anyways. Like yesterday at work...people got things done...there were no problems...today..people slacked, talked about drugs and alcohol..and didn't really do much but complain about everything. Made me really want to go home. So..I hate how everything is going this year. I hate being alone (Yes, I'm referring to the boy I am head over heels for whom I went out with for 5 and a half months)...I hate getting up and going to work everyday...I hate that there are only a few days in the week that I look forward to..and sometimes there's none at all...I hate waking up and having my parents ask me a billion questions...I wish I lived ...with people who didn't really care..but did..without asking questions..who'd leave me alone when I wake up...I wish I lived near the ocean..and could paint whenever I wanted..I wish I could always have music around me..I wish i could play guitar amazingly well..I wish I could sketch and it would be something worth looking at..I wish I could be barefoot all the time..and always be in teh sun... i wish I had someone who cared about me more than a friend...to watch me when i'm laughing..and smile because I'm his...I wish my heart didn't break everytime I think about how I've been hurt....
Well, this has been deep..especially for a first entry. But it's easy to let emotions go on these things. You can see the deeper side of people.

Everytime it Rains...
I Fall to pieces

So many memories
the rain releases

I feel you
I taste you
I cannot forget
Every time it rains

I get wet

-Ace of Base